[lis-uh n] v. to give attention to with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; give ear; to pay attention.
I read this book called "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better." It has already done wonders on my outlook at life and helping people. And here's a bit of what I've learned from it. I suggest everyone gives it a read. It would be most beneficial.
How many times has someone come to you in a bad mood, with some sort of frustration or problem? I've had this happen to me many times, not to mention the number of times I've done this to other people. Do you recall what you did when you were the one listening to the problem? Perhaps it went something like this experience I had with a friend of mine:
My friend came over one day and seemed frustrated. When asked what was wrong, she said, "My friends ask to borrow my clothes and take forever to give them back. If I ask for them, it takes at least a week to get them returned. And once I finally do, they're dirty. I'm sick of it!" This rant continued for at least 5 minutes, no joke. The entire time I was just sitting there thinking, "Could you be quiet now? I know the answer to your problem. It's simple enough; don't let them borrow your clothes." When she finally finished her tangent (none of which I remember except for the beginning), I immediately gave her my solution to her problem. The next thing she said to me shocked me. "You just don't understand! Why can't you just listen to me? You obviously don't care, so why did you even ask?" She then left my house with a slammed door.
I couldn't believe she just accused me of not caring. I was just trying to help her. Now both our feelings have been hurt because she thinks I don't care and she got mad at me when I was just trying to help. So my attitude then became, "Well, see if I ever try to help you again."
Notice how my initial reaction was, "I need to solve her problem for her and I have the answer." Our immediate response almost every time is to help the person in distress. When we care about someone, we want them to feel happy, be cheerful and have the best. Our natural tendency is to give advice and tell them what we think would be the best solution for them. We went to help in any way we can, and we think that by telling them what we think they should do, that all is well and it will work out perfectly. However, this is not so. Most of the time, the suggestions we give to the person cause the person to feel like they have to do what was suggested whether they want to or not. Because that person knows someone is just trying to help them, and feel as though it would be letting down the person with the adivce if the advice isn't taken seriously and acted upon. And then, a good portion of the time, when the advice is acted upon and goes awry, we get blamed because they followed the advice we gave them. This causes tension and strain in the relationship. Have you ever had the misfortune of feeling that way? I have a thousand times over, and it isn't a comfortable position to be in.
Have you ever thought about how this could change? What could possibly be done to help this person in need if all your advice just backfires? A single word should be able to put this into perspective.
Listen.
It's a simple word, one that we all know very well. We are always told to listen to what people tell us to do (especially our parents), but perhaps they should just listen to us.
What do you think would happen if, instead of waiting to pounce on the person to be quiet already so that you can tell them what to do (because you know the answer already, of course), we actuallylisten to what they are saying, with no intention of solving their problems. After all, they are their problems. Thus, they are not ours for the fixing!
But think about the tables being turned. Assume you were the person with the problem... then what? Don't we get offended and hurt when someone doesn't just listen to us? When they always have to have their input on our lives? Is it possible that we understand where my friend is coming from when she said, "You obviously don't even care?"
A lot of times, I have felt like those who mentally I know should care most about me (like my family for intance) don't care at all because they don't just listen for the sake of listening. They always have to put their two cents in with my life and problems, when really, that's not what I want at all. I am capable of solving my own problems, I just want someone to listen to me and understand. I want the feelings I've been feeling validated and understood, not alienated and told they're wrong. Frankly, unless I ask for it, chances are I probably don't want your advice anyway. And even then, take that request with a grain of salt. I don't care how much you know at this point, I just want to be listened to. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently so. But it doesn't have to be. I know that when I am the one with the problem, I just need someone to listen to me. I don't want advice, nor do I need it. I just need someone to validate my feelings and understand me and try to understand what I'm feeling. A simple, "Oh, that must be rough," or, "That's a tough place to be in," with a possible, "What do you think you should do about it?" is all that is needed. An understanding and validating phrase. One that keeps the problem on the shoulders it belongs but still shows that one cares. Validation and listening are such incredible things--when we use them. So the next time someone comes to you with a problem, don't assume that means they want you to solve it for them; chances are, they don't. Instead, try listening to them and try understanding what they might be feeling.
"I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care."
There's never been a truer statement. Show people that you care, really care, by listening, not acting. An open ear a lot of times, is all one needs.
